Well it’s been a while since I have
written, and I’m not exactly sure why… so much has been going on and to tell
you the truth I’m not exactly sure where to begin. I don’t know if I could
explain it, but whatever happens to come out in the blog post, I promise you
could be emotional, hilarious, or absolutely ridiculous. I honestly didn’t know
one individual could feel so many emotions… I mean I don’t even think I can
define everything that I have been feeling over the past month in just a couple
of words. What I’ve decided right now, I have this path, with no direction. I don’t
mean like I’m stuck at a dead end with literally no place to go. Instead, I'm traveling along this path, and I have no idea where it leads. I can’t see the
temporary road closed signs, or the four way stops or whatever. I really wasn’t
planning on writing using a path analogy, they are so cliché. But before I get
into what I really want to say I have to ask: When a bird migrates, do they
know their exact path? Do they always go the same place? Where do they want to
go? Do they plan their trips OR are they as “free spirited” as they come
across? Hmmm….
I’m just going to tell you, I have never been so confused in
my entire life. I’m stuck in this dark spot, and not a spot that I’m sad all the
time or I hide in my room and cry myself to sleep at night. A blurry spot is probably a better
description. It’s like there is this feeling hanging over my head, everything
that I’ve done is slowly flooding back into my most recent memories. There are
many good memories that make me smile: family, old friends, new friends, cute boys, and
sporting events. However, with good memories come bad ones, losing friends,
ruining relationships and just trying to figure out who I am. Now I’m in this
place where I want what’s best for me, because how often do I get to think
about myself? I mean really… College is the only time someone can really truly focus
on themselves and who they want to be. But recently I can’t see past the step in
front of me, and sometimes I’m terrified to even take that step. Now that I sound
completely paranoid I would like to say, I’m not afraid to leave my room and do
normal things, but I feel like everything I do in my life at this moment should
have a purpose. It may not be the best purpose, but there is an action and it
produces an outcome. I mean, I go to the grocery store to buy food to eat, I go
to the gym to look nice, I dress nice to make myself feel better and people
think I’m pretty… and on and on and on….
What am I saying? THERE IS A METHOD BEHIND THIS MADNESS CALLED LIFE. Unfortunately, if you
are looking for an exact answer, this blog post won’t have it. I feel like
finding a purpose to my life is an ongoing thing. But what I’m struggling with
right now is: I have garbage covering my path (yep, back to the path analogy).
But I’m not sure if it’s garbage I can move, or if I just need to change
directions because it smells soooo bad. This blur can’t clear up until I figure
out what has caused it and either embrace that, get over it, or get rid of it.
My garbage could be a number of things: the apartment complex I live in, my
friends, my organizations, Tampa, USF, the classes I’m taking. Most of those
things have made an impression in my life and I’m not really ready to part
with, except the apartment. However, I have these stains in my path that are a
little harder to get up: regrets, things I haven’t done, things I want to do,
and milestone events in my life, those rite of passage moments (Were they
right? Did they go as planned?). Right now I’m at this point where I have to
back track and figure out what has brought me to this blurred spot and take the necessary steps to get a clear confident
view of my life.
Those of you who are STILL reading this, I don’t know how
you managed to make it through, it’s kind of confusing. But this is just a
small fraction of what I’ve been thinking about, and what has been circling
through my brain. Clearly I have lots of questions that need answers and a path
that needs cleaning. I’m just glad I have some people I can talk to; it’s nice
to realize I’m the only one who isn’t exactly sure what’s going on in their
life. I guess I don’t know the answer to my migration questions, but I hope
birds never get as confused and somewhat lost as I have been (I do wonder if
they panic when they get lost, or if the male birds avoid asking for
directions). Either way, I’m going to try to live my life more freely, come up
with some answers, but maybe try not to worry so much. To most of my readers
who probably don’t have everything figured out: Find someone to talk to about it, the only reason I am actually
able to write at this moment is because of Steph Galvin. Oh! Listen to some
music, and when you have time, sit down and try to answer some of your own
questions. But don’t talk to yourself out loud; you’ll get put away for that.
Thanks for reading!
Sarah Ann Weaver
